Ripple Effects of Your Purpose

I find motivation in so many places to keep on keeping on. God has given me a purpose. I know God is communicating with me. I don't audibly hear Him, but I see signs everywhere. I've been looking for them for years and He just sent me another one.

I don't remember where this quote came from, but I knew it was a message for me. I set it as the lock screen on my phone to prompt me to 1) do what is in front of me to do, 2) do what I know I need to do, but don't feel like it, 3) don't do what I feel like doing in some cases.

Basically, I need to deny myself and choose to Do Life With God every day, every hour, every minute. Why? Because doing life with God translates doing my life for others... like Jesus did. Romans 8:29 says to conform into the image of his Son. His purpose was to make a way for others to be reconciled back to the Father. My life's mission is for my ripple effect to make the teaching about God our Savior attractive (Titus 2:10).

How am I doing that? Writing a book about my life. My adoption story is filled with stories and how people applied the lessons that make people say, "I want that!"

This little photo up in the clouds helps me remember that all lives touch other lives in a positive or negative way. I get to choose which way. I get to choose how intense the ripple is. I must let my story go out into the world and land where God wills! Right now, I have to get up when I don't want to get up to hear from God. I have to deny myself and do what God had set in front of me to do: share my most important asset with you... my story.

Adoption ReImagined Excerpt: Chapter 3 Contentment with the Unknown

Hello! Erin here! As I continue to edit to get closer to publication, I want to share some snapshots of what is to come. Enjoy!

Is your mind is a hamster wheel of over-thinking and endless loops asking What-If? Take your feelings out of the driver seat. Imagine you could reach the end of your adoption issues and be content even when you don’t know the answers to your burning questions. You can do this by turning your What-Ifs into But If Not.

If you never find an answer that satisfies your mind, are you going to stay on the hamster wheel called What-If? How is that working for you so far? I challenge you to change What If to But If Not. Right now is your life. You can’t change one thing in the past. You can’t change variables from your beginning with What-If statements. You cannot change the decisions others made when you were that variable. You can, however, have a whole new attitude if you incorporate But If Not into your thought patterns.

Nothing in the past can guide your future unless you allow it. The past is like an annoying backseat driver in your car questioning your every turn and manipulating your route. You can kick the voice behind you out of the car if you intentionally change the constant stream of What-Ifs that are hurled from the back seat. Tweaking one phrase in your thoughts can change everything because But If Not puts the control back in your hands. What If seems to address what others could have done differently.

However, But If Not focuses on how you react to situations beyond your control. You can do nothing about the What Ifs, but you have all the control if you change your perspective to But If Not.

Practice: 'What if I never....... But if not, I will carry on being who I choose to be."

Pain can be caused by not knowing what you stand for and what you value. Your mind changes scenarios over and over, lamenting on what you could have done differently because your values change, too. The What-Ifs keep you running in circles with the illusion that after the next turn the answer will become clear. Your pain is created in pining over the What-Ifs. However, when you change the focus to But If Not, you are intentionally putting yourself in the driver seat. You decide to deal with what is right in front of you instead of the ghost you can’t see. Knowing what you stand for helps you say, “But even if I never know, I will thrive in life. But even if they don’t accept me, it won’t define me.” This attitude puts the control with you and not with elements of life you have no control over.

Adoptee Week: Not Feeling Included

There are so many issues that adoptees deal with. One very common situation for adoptees is feeling left out of their bio family and/or their adoptive family. Maybe this is not a problem you deal with, but many do feel this way and I want to offer a different way to relate. If you have a recommendation for adoptees that has helped you, please put it in the comments.

Relate is the root word in relation. To relate means to have a connection as in a relationship.

When you see pictures on social media of bios or adoptive family together at birthdays, holiday party or other events having fun, is your first reaction to think, "They don't even know I exist."

Issue: You feel like you are not included.

Your mind goes into overdrive thinking about all the ways they are conniving behind your back to leave you out and hurt you. When in reality, they may not have been thinking of you at all. Why? They don't have a strong relationship with you. They may not have invited you on purpose because someone they have known for 20 or 30 years could not handle it emotionally, yet. Their relationships are stronger with people have known longer.

Trap: They are doing this to hurt you.

What do you do?

Number One: Don’t get offended. You don’t know the motives for situations. You have not been there during conversations about YOU. I've heard adoptees say they were handed to strangers. It only makes sense that when you do not know someone for decades, they are strangers, also. Now, bio think the adoptee is a stranger. It takes time to build trust. It takes memories. It takes time and many times to build a relationship that is comfortable being inclusive. And it takes longer when more people are involved. Don't get offended.

Number Two: Many people are selfish. Many people don't like change. When family seems comfortable, many people don't want to add another person to mess up the dynamic. Have you had this happen when a family member gets a boyfriend or girlfriend and they start coming to family events? Some people will never be okay with you, but being overbearing makes you seem pushy and possessive. Be OK with it. Maybe it’s not the right time. People are selfish...don't be that person.

Number Three: Take the initiative. You be the one to text, send cards, invite on outings and get together even if it is when you are driving through town. I realize this is harder when they live far away, but there are ways to connect. Be the one who is kind and thinks of others. It will finally pay off and be seen as caring.

Number Four: What are you going to do when it doesn't work? This step is so important. Decide beforehand what you will do when you see the social media pictures and you were not invited. Decide how much of it you will allow to affect you. I've heard of people setting a timer or time limit. They say, "I will think about this for an hour or until tomorrow at 9am and then I will let it go." If you really think about it, they are not thinking about you anyway so you are only hurting yourself.

Reality: Taking a different approach can change the whole relationship.

I know a person who sits in the shadows, does not interact, gets upset because she is not included and does not accept invitations when she is invited. Once, she wrote a long post about not being included, no one talking to her and not being invited to anything. I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish, but many were really confused because they had tried to do all those things. Her reality did not match the situation. It is important to try and see things as they are and decide what part you have in it and what you can control and what you can't.

When there is an absence of relationship, an absence of time spent, an absence of memories made, there will be an absence of inclusion. Taking the initiative, over and over and being patient can change a relationship in time.

What are some ways you have been included or been inclusive that would help other adoptees on their life's journey?