Erin E. McEndree
Should You Search?
Should the adoptee search for his her biological family?
Should a birth mother search for the child she relinquished?
Should the adoptive parents help facilitate a meeting?
These questions are so very personal for each one in the adoption arena. However, there are some common questions that relate to all three that are good to mull over before jumping into a full blown search for answers.
To start, realize there is no answer that applies to all three in the arena, only the question. Each one will know a different amount of details about their adoption story. Each one deciphers the details differently, thus making one pat answer impossible.
What is right for one is not right for another. No one should not
push their opinion and preference on another. Beliefs are so different among the group.
For example, I had a man tell me I must find my biological father to get medical information, if not for me then for my children. Well, Mr. B, that is not for you to decide, but if you want to search for yours, then I support your decision. Your experience is not my experience. Also, I factor in faith and don't believe that just because my bios have something I am destine to get it too. My faith also says I can handle anything that happens because I tap into the Supernatural peace and healing God supplies. Sometimes healing is done in heaven, not here on earth.
Here are some good questions that apply to all three in the adoption arena if you are thinking about searching. Ask yourself these questions and apply them to your situation. The key is to be confident in your answers so no one can sway you or offend you. It is also important to be confident in who you are before and after the search. Let no information rock your world no matter what you find.
What is your motive?
What is the end goal you are wanting to accomplish? If you
think finding this person will magically fix your problems, or fill the void you
feel, then you do not have a foundation that cannot be shaken.
Putting that much power and pressure on another person to make you act or feel differently rarely goes well.
Ask yourself: What is the origin of your issues? Is it really adoption or how you think about adoption?
Are you allowing your feelings to control you?
If your end goal is to just find medical information and/or ethnicity, you rarely get just that info esp if you take a DNA test. Bios can contact you. I've heard so many times that so many relatives come out of the woodwork they didn't expect.
Are you willing to get all the information-even the information you didn't
expect? Are you willing to deal with people contacting you, you didn't expect?
What will you do when you find them or they find you? Many people do not think ahead let alone plan ahead when they find bios or bios find them.
Will you be honest with your family?
Will you talk to them through email, text or phone?
What boundaries will you set?
When do you feel comfortable meeting and who will you take with you?
What will you call/label them? What if they call you something you are not comfortable with, what do you do?
What if they don't invite you to a family party?
How soon do you want to ask the hard questions?
Are you going to get upset if it is too painful for questions to be answered?
How will you handle affection? How will you handle more rejection?
All these questions are rooted in what you stand for and what you believe. The answers will be different for each woman in the adoption arena.
What is detrimental to this process? Having the wrong motives, not preparing for the unexpected and not planning your actions and responses beforehand.
You have to know your stance on the issues. By stance, I mean your attitude towards the whole situation. What standpoint do you have? What is important to you?
If it is to demand your rights, things will not go well. Think about this: What if your birth mother feels her rights are violated when a closed adoption is broken. Relationships don't go well with those motives.
What did I do? I waited on the Lord. I had enough faith to decide before hand how I would feel and act if I found no information. However, I got information
within an hour so I took another step. Then I got another person confirming I should call her. That person didn't even know the situation. So, I took another step. No doors were closed, so I kept going through them until I called my birth mother in Dec of 2009. There were signs over and over to keep pursuing reunion.
I didn't allow anyone to discourage me because I knew God wasn't speaking to them. He was speaking to me.
So, its your turn. Tell me your best advice for deciding to search or not. Do you feel like you went too fast? Did it turn out like you expected? Everyone has a different story.