Adoption ReImagined Excerpt: Chapter 3 Contentment with the Unknown

Hello! Erin here! As I continue to edit to get closer to publication, I want to share some snapshots of what is to come. Enjoy!

Is your mind is a hamster wheel of over-thinking and endless loops asking What-If? Take your feelings out of the driver seat. Imagine you could reach the end of your adoption issues and be content even when you don’t know the answers to your burning questions. You can do this by turning your What-Ifs into But If Not.

If you never find an answer that satisfies your mind, are you going to stay on the hamster wheel called What-If? How is that working for you so far? I challenge you to change What If to But If Not. Right now is your life. You can’t change one thing in the past. You can’t change variables from your beginning with What-If statements. You cannot change the decisions others made when you were that variable. You can, however, have a whole new attitude if you incorporate But If Not into your thought patterns.

Nothing in the past can guide your future unless you allow it. The past is like an annoying backseat driver in your car questioning your every turn and manipulating your route. You can kick the voice behind you out of the car if you intentionally change the constant stream of What-Ifs that are hurled from the back seat. Tweaking one phrase in your thoughts can change everything because But If Not puts the control back in your hands. What If seems to address what others could have done differently.

However, But If Not focuses on how you react to situations beyond your control. You can do nothing about the What Ifs, but you have all the control if you change your perspective to But If Not.

Practice: 'What if I never....... But if not, I will carry on being who I choose to be."

Pain can be caused by not knowing what you stand for and what you value. Your mind changes scenarios over and over, lamenting on what you could have done differently because your values change, too. The What-Ifs keep you running in circles with the illusion that after the next turn the answer will become clear. Your pain is created in pining over the What-Ifs. However, when you change the focus to But If Not, you are intentionally putting yourself in the driver seat. You decide to deal with what is right in front of you instead of the ghost you can’t see. Knowing what you stand for helps you say, “But even if I never know, I will thrive in life. But even if they don’t accept me, it won’t define me.” This attitude puts the control with you and not with elements of life you have no control over.

Adoption ReImagined Excerpt: Chapter 1 Perspective

It is important to hear different perspectives to get a richer, fuller understanding of another person. Different perspectives are not wrong. They are just different. Hearing someone else's perspective does not mean you also must agree with it. It does not mean you must incorporate the beliefs into your thoughts or actions. It also does not harm you! You don’t have to yield to the perspective to show decency towards the person who sees things in a different way. Showing grace towards other view points is a way to show your goodness and decency.

Some perspectives may make your blood boil, but it is still 100% valid for the owner of that perspective. Have you ever thought that your negative reaction to different perspectives is caused because you are subconsciously comparing their story to your own? Comparing leads to division, disputes and those are dead ends.

Excerpt: Adoption ReImagined Chapter 2; What's In A Name?

Growing up I remember being called so many names. Not the good kind of names like Darling or Honey or Sweet Pea, but names like Vulture, Red, Coppertop (like the battery) and Orange Crush (like the soda). My hair was the color of a bright terra-cotta pot. It was so striking, before anyone asked my mom my name, they would comment on the color of my hair.

It was very annoying and hurtful, but it didn’t affect my whole life. My mom would say, “Look around. No one else has hair the color of yours. You are unique.” I was unique in school until my senior year. That freshman class had four natural red-headed kids and I was actually a little jealous because I was not the only one any more.

I constantly remember hearing how unique I was because I was the only one in school, in town for that matter, that had hair the color of the orange sun setting in the west. My mom encouraged me to not look like everyone else. Basically, it boiled down to this: how I responded.

Some of these words often confused in the adoption arena are heritage, ancestor, nationality and legacy. Here are the true definitions:

Heritage: This encompasses all the traditions, achievements, beliefs and memories that are part of your history since birth. You were immersed in these growing up. Some you may continue as your own, some you may have discontinued.

Ancestors: These are known people in your past that you can trace through information and stories. They can be biological or adoptive parents or both just on different branches.

Nationality: This is a group of people you may not even know. This is your race and ethnicity. You cannot change this no matter who raises you.

Legacy: It is something received from the past that you can choose to use, carry forward or discard. You will be a living legacy that creates good or bad qualities to pass to others.

What had to happen in your family tree just right for you to be where you are now? What heritage and legacy are you passing on to your family? If you don’t like what is in your past and handed down, use it as a teaching tool to educate your family and friends on better ways. My story was filled with murder, adultery, bad character, drinking, abuse and bad cooking. All I can do is do better and be better so when stories are told about me, there is an element of redemption, hope, perseverance and forgiveness others down the line want to emulate.

It all goes back to finding what you want to be faithful to and sticking with it. Be you! Find you. Don’t waste time on what you lost. Start creating memories based on what you found. Decide what that means. I decided to choose my adoptive parents' heritage and ancestry. I chose them back because my bio was unknown. Even now that I know my biological mother, I still chose the heritage I grew up knowing. I believe as adoptees we have something biological kids don’t: we can choose what we identify with. I chose to adopt all the good, bad and ugly of my adoptive family and I didn’t change my choice when I met my birth mother. I just added to my knowledge and it has made my life richer and fuller. I am still working on my legacy and how I want to be remembered.

What is Detrimental to Faithfulness? Deception.

What is detrimental to faithfulness? Deception. Being unsure, fickle and impressionable causes you to be deceived more easily. How can you ward off deception? Take a stance. What is stance? What does it mean to take a stand? It means you know what you stand for, you know what you value and you do it unapologetically.

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I can't wait to share more as I get each chapter complete. I would like your feedback. This is only an excerpt. The chapter is 29 pages. If you want to read it all, you'll have to wait for the release. Much, much more to come.

Erin